laments of a pessimist..ups and downs

will things get back to normal??

2007-02-07T02:50:00.000+08:00

all this while i thought breaking up was easy. but it turns out more difficult then i thought it would be. yah i moved on. or at least i thought i did. i dont know. im lost seriously lost! n confused!! ergh!! ah i went tru hell for the past erm lets say, 4years?? thankz particularly to someone.. yeah idid.seriously did.. some ppl will jus leave the other party in darkness n move on with life. not knowing that the other side cried n suffered alot..he was emotionless when we broke up.. according to him, its better to break up n he avoiding me so that things will be better.. bu fine at least gimme a reaso not by saying "er, i dunno ler" how long do you wanna run away from the reality sayin that we are not an item anymore?? things were fine when the separation happened..after that i dunno wat happened anymore. i try not to ponder over it because its the past ma. but den again, its not easy lo really..a few times i caught myself offguard thinking about it. n last week when i was drunk i said sth that i should not say..WTF is wrong with me wei!! get over it. i think the "kekokness" is an issue lo. he doesnt admit it tho. today supper 4 e.g. he actually move the candle thing nearer to him so that the thing will block his view from me n vice versa. to me, he is an egoistic, overly sensitive fella!! ish ish ish hate him!hes such a chicken kolot really!!4get it la. so childish!get a life weih!!u think wat??!! ahh!! no point complainin also ma. all i can say is that im overly sensitive also.aihzwell i guess he doesnt like me that much as much as i like him.. after all this shit, all i wan from him is jus be good frens n thats it!!why cant i get that??does this mean that im not totally over him yet?impossible ma i guess dunno ler. ish ish ish headache dee.on the bright side i found a best fren,zm thanx to him i found her. lol

ignorence is bliss..

2006-09-20T20:15:00.000+08:00

im one of those ppl who likes to find out things n get hurt after knowing the truth.. oh well, last yr i use to have a fren who tells me things straight in to the face n i took it seriously.. den after a while of them telling me things i thought those stuffs were real.. manatau truth hurts me like crap.. but den again, when she told me i kept quiet n smiled.. why cos they were the ones who actually convinced me of getting in to that matter n now the truth is out..ahaha no more..
why why really why am i being so silly to fall for all this shit.. wat the heck really.. my trials are in less den 5days.. all of these are out from my mind..jus that hmm weird really to come n think about it why all this shit happened before.. ahahaha dun care dee la..

thoughts

2006-07-26T22:06:00.000+08:00

how come ppl are so judgemental at times??why do they have to follow trends 4 e.g someone does sth n they gotta follow put with it?? why cant some ppl jus have their on thoughts on things n don judge others based on wat ppl say?? sometimes it hurts alot if u happen to walk by n hear stuffs like that.. ppl are different.. they want attention and obviously to be well-known.. who doesnt..but this is not the right way...
i myself has learnt my lesson the hard way instead.. i did somthing bad and they are planning on a revenge on me.. all i can do is nothing.. as the saying goes.. wat goes around comes around.. something like that.. anyways, can we live without spreading rumors? can we live without gossiping?? can we survive out there without frens and survive as a lone ranger?? is there such thing as u trust someone n that someone will not break that trust??how true can that be?? how come others can be so nice to you n behind of you they bitch non-stop about you??
when can we put a fullstop on this matter??ignorin it totally??even at times when u wan to make things clear like 4 the stuffs you did not do, you think ppl will bother to listen ar??they will think as though you are really wrong thats why u need to explain.. but u see if u dont, things will get worse.. ive given up totally on this matter its not like anything is gonna happen to me if i explains or not.. im still wrong.. bloody hell you know.. should have given me a chance to voice out wat.. no..we do live in a democratic country u know and everyone has their rights to voice out their opinions...
its only 3 mths left before my nightmare happens after that ill be as free as a bird and i can start anew all over again.. that would be extremely nice.. its better if i stay out from everything for the time being.. things are getting out of hand at this freaking moment.. i do wonder how some ppl cope with all this shit and their studies..

do u ever wonder?

2006-07-25T23:37:00.001+08:00

does it occur to u that you feel as though your the only 1 who know about your existance??they did it on purpose to ignore u totally.. sigh.. i wonder if i happen to do that to others.. seriously..does it even matter seriously??i doubt la.. u expect me to treat u nice when u treat me like at a piece of crap... it is jus my negative thoughts or it is happening around me..
well to the heck with it seriously... today i was being stuck with this fella for the paired experiment.. well i don think i need extra insults to my condition now.. yes i can be more positive but not with your insults straight in my face.. sigh.. why do i care?? he only play a small role in class but darn his words can be a killer really...but why do i have to care??you treat me as tho i did sth really wrong to u but seriously wat the heck it havent crossed my mind.. u ignored me totally during exp n i ask u a few questions n u took it heck to seriously n scolded me back 4 ntg.. it was only a freakin question cant u jus answer me properly?? well nvm la.. be rude to me as much as u wan la.. like i care anymore..your only making ppl feelin bad about things that they have not done.. n i seriously think that the teachers who teach us deserve a better treatment.. ya i know u don like them but they are still teachers respect them.. they provide us with knowledge... its true that some ppl gets too much when your too vulnerable.. sigh..

i should get started....

2006-04-25T20:34:00.000+08:00

ok muet is this sat *shrugs* im afraid of it anyway... aihz speaking my weakest.. oh well hopefully ill get an easy topic on that so i can speak my way tru * prays hard *... i realised that ive been procastinating really... all i did ystdy was reading 2 chapters pf PA den did like 1 question of maths.. ergh!! i should be more disipline really.. erghh.. ppl like those top scorers really work their ass off by wat? taking up STUDY as their hobby.. dont u think thats a lil freaky?? aihz... how nice if i can be like them.. oh well im trying hard tho...

ive no choice really less den 6 mths before my trials... erghh less den 20 days for my mid year.. shouldnt i freak out now.. even those playful ones in class are paying attention n questioning teachers if they dunno anything n also doing their assignments...freaky huh?? whilst me on the other hand is still being relaxed n getting TOO lil done.. ergh!!!when will i change!?? darn... ive been given lectures from aunts n parents oh how to study.. well im not working hard enough n they are expecting too much from me... wat can i say really but to put in everything by working my ass off studying till late everyday n try to pay attention in school.. ergh sch is boring as in certain subjects really.. the teachers will like bore u out eventually after lets say 20mins or less?? depending on the situation of the class..

i think i better stop crapping all my thoughts down now... n continue with my work...

things to be done by today
- chapter 1-3 of chemistry.. (organic )
- chapter 1-5 of PA
- maths homework... ( both 1 n 2 )

hopefully i ll carry them out as planned.. if not im sure to die!!!
ergh!!! * keeping fingers crossed *

silly me..

2006-04-18T20:30:00.000+08:00

ahah finally ive regained my senses that liking someone for such a long time is really a waste of time...ahaha...thankz to all the depression that have sort of made me puled myself up to realise how silly ive been all these years!!why should i do so ive no idea...making my feelings clear is such a great thing..ive decided to drop that whole lot of burden down reallythen 4 once i got so so so depressed n finally i manage to pick myself up today n realise wat ive done is wrong..so ive made up my mind ive decided to 4get about the feeling n make way 4 a brighter future!
i dont know why im so positive suddenly that really shocks me.really ahaha dunnola perhaps im jus an empty soul now for me also to realised how silly ive been all these years!ahahaha so so happy now wanna 4 get about everything n move on with mylife .so happy with it ahhaha dunno why also ...

i should also change.. im such a bad person.. ahaha there fore i should change...ahahaha!!

oh well my exams are like jus around the corner tho is 1 mth away from my mid year.. oh bother ive a whole lot of stuffs to cramp into my head..erghh i don like but wat to do i gotta do it also.. ahaha.. well well.. jus forget about the past n strive hard towards the future ler... ahahaahaha this is a whole bunch of crap since the last time i blogged.. ahahaha

2005-11-30T01:54:00.000+08:00

NBTD really..

2005-08-10T22:14:00.000+08:00

1. Have you ever fallen asleep in class?
- erm once in f2...then ermm sleepy got la...but usually wont sleep 1 la...

2. Have you ever eaten pork?
- erm i dont eat pork 1...

3. Have you ever vomited in a vehicle?
- yups last timeler...sick ma...

4. Have you ever beaten up a friend?
- erm...gals where got so rough 1..

5. Have you ever slapped ur partner?
- slap??no but i wanna slap someone from my class.

6. Have you ever smoked?
- nope will not n never will

7. Have you ever felt like dying cuz u've
been so
hurt?
- yes..now im experiencing it..

8. Have you ever ridden a horse?
- nah...

9. Have you ever felt as if u are gonna
die cuz ure
too sick?
-yeah...the other day when i couldnt breathe...

10. Have you ever hugged ur crush?
- yeah...not the current 1 tho

11. Have you ever played with fire?
- yea...obviously....nice "toy" to play with...

12. Have you ever cried for the one u
love?
- yea..numerous times tho this yr...

13. Does he or she know about it?
- erm no he doesnt....

14. Have you ever fallen from a bicycle?
- nope..:)

15. Will u die for the one u love?
- erm that depends...

16. Have you ever missed someone so
badly?
- yea....missing that someone now but i dont think he knows

18. Have you ever gotten stones thrown
at u?
-erm nope...

19. Have you ever been unfaithful?
-nahh.....i dont think so..

20. Have you ever gotten pepper in ur
eyes?
- erm...once..last time la...now careful dee la..

21. Have you ever gotten a surprise
present ?
- erm ya...

22. Have you ever been on a diet?
- yup..

23. Have you ever stripped someone
naked?
- erm no...im not a mean person you see..

24. Have you ever taken a picture of
urself?
-duh obviously..

25. Have you ever club till dawn?
- nop...

26. Have you ever been in a lift with
someone who
has body odour?
- erm ya a couple of times...

27. Have you ever been so angry u felt
like killing the person?
- i feel like murdering that person but i dont have the guts to kill tho..

29. Have you ever broken up due to the
existence
of a third party?
- yea...once before....stupid fella...

30. Have you ever wanna commit
suicide?
- erm no...

31. Have you ever challenged ur teacher?
- depends which teacher it it...

32. Have you ever lost ur hp?
- choi! no la of course...

33. Have you ever lost in gambling?
- ya of course...i dont gamble tho

34. Have you ever been told that u are
cute?
- erm ya...*not being perasan tho *

35. Have you ever had a crush?
- yeah still having :P:P

36. Have you ever confessed ur feelings?
- i wan to but i dare not...dare not think of the end results.

37. Have you ever gotten urself into
trouble?
- erm yes n always...most of the time infact

38. Have you ever lied to ur parents?
-nope..i m an angel

39. Have you ever been robbed?
- choi! no la of course

40. Do you really like a guy/girl a lot now?
- yea i like this specific fella alot..:

smiling all the way.....

2005-08-01T15:25:00.000+08:00

now i get it when people tell me that their heart is filled with pain but they are smilling as though nothing has happened...honestly i think this is the first time that i manage to do that..i controled my feelings and act so normal...my frens expected me to scream hysterically, cry my heart out or god knows wat i will do when im sad and worse of all is that the news came out so insulting....all i did was jus smile and said as i expected...

things usually wont work out the wat i want things to be...but usually at last it will but not this time..ive already accepted that fact long enough but its just that i dont want to give up cause after such a long period of time that ive spent on it might as well continue with it...

actually today my heart is filled with sorrow that ive never felt before...everything seems raw to me...my friends hope that i can just cry my heart out but the problem is that im now in such a condition when i dont even know how to differentiate between happiness or sadness...to me everything is neutral....perhaps deep down i feel so sore.

at this point of time i think its best i just let the feeling go....i dont want to fall in love anymore dee..this will be the last person ill fall for...i dont want to be hurt all over again...i dont want things like that to happen to me again..i had enough of all this pain and sorrow...does the other party knows?no i dont think so...its all a one sided thing i think...ive been thinking too much about this matter that it is somehow affecting my studies..

too free dee

2005-07-29T22:06:00.000+08:00

1.CURRENT MOOD?
depressed....confused...

2. SUM UP IN 3 WORDS TO WHAT YOURE
FEELING.
confused and depressed...

3. HAVE YOU TRIED & DO YOU THINK LONG
DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK FOR YOU?
nope and ill never get involved in that..

4. ARE YOU AN EMOTIONAL PERSON?
yes...

5. YOU BELIEVE IN BESTFRIENDS?
no and never will

6. EVER FELT SO JEALOUS?
ermm ya...at times...

7. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU DID?
that merdeka thingy

8. WHO IS NEXT TO YOU?
mingyee jus now in her house ma

9. HOW'S THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?
erm ok i guess

10. LAST PERSON TO TEXT YOU TODAY?
judith

11. LAST PERSON YOU CHAT TODAY?
still chatting hong lun, azlina...

12. LOST A FRIENDSHIP OVER SOMETHING
STUPID?
yes many in fact...

13. BEEN REALLY DEPRESSED BEFORE?
yes an i am now very depressed indeed.

14. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP TODAY?
erm 5.45am

15. WHAT'S YOUR RINGTONE?
looney tunes..

16. WHO DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR CLOSEST
FRIEND?
mingyee, dolly, judith...

17. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING U THINK WHEN
U WAKE UP?
yay its time for sch but shit i havent done anything yet

18. DO YOU HATE ANYONE RIGHT NOW?
ermm hating someone is a tough thing to do..

19. WHATS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR?
blue

20. MISS SOMEONE?
yes missing him every single min n sec of the day

21. LIKE TO WALK UNDER THE RAIN?
yes...

22. SLEEP WITH/WITHOUT CLOTHES ON?
with clothes la duhh!!

23. LIKE SOMEONE?
yes very much....but he doesnt know...sad huh?

24. DO THEY KNOW?
no

25. THINK YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE?
obviously no

26. WANT TO MARRY?
havent came across that question yet

27. WHO?
with the guy i like but i know its impossible

28. ARE YOU A GOOD STUDENT?
ok ok la...

29. WHERE ARE YOU BY THE WAY?
home

30. ARE YOU INVOLVED IN SPORTS?
no

31. BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
no i dont know

32. THINK DREAMS EVENTUALLY COME TRUE?
some of my dreams do COME true..

33. FAVOURITE THING TO DO?
ermm, go hiking ( no1 will go with me sad case!)

34. FAVE PERSON?
the person i like. duh!

35. FAVE FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
attitude...

37. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE
PHONE?
dolly

38. LOUD OR SOFT MUSIC?
depends on when is it...

39. NIGHT OR DAY
depends on the situation

40. NUMBER OF PILLOWS ON YOUR BED?
ermm a few laa...

41. WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO TOMORROW?
ermm go to sch n go to mingyees house to get the merdeka thing done

42. WHAT'S YOUR BEDTIME?
depending on wat day is it, n the ammount of hw...

43. WHO DO YOU TALK TO THE MOST ONLINE?
ming yee...

44. WHAT DO YOU HATE MOST?
irritating ppl....

45. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT
NOW?
savage garden -affirmation

48. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AND WITH
WHO?
ming yee, judith n rosnah..unleashed..

49. FAVORITE DAY?
mon to fri

50. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A
CHILD?
ive no idea cos i read a lot when i was a child

51. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?
sms-ed diana, talked to dolly...

52. FAVORITE SCENT?
ermm vanilla bouquet...

53. WHO INSPIRES YOU?
ive no idea

54. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
losing....

55. PLAIN, BUTTERED OR SALTED POPCORN?
ermm dunno

56. FAVE FLOWER?
lilies..

57. NUMBER OF KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?
erm 1

58. WHAT'S THE COLOR OF YOUR SHOES?
white, blue, pink, orange

59. WHAT MONTH IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?
january

60. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO AFTER THIS?
think about stuffs then sleep :)

dreading school.....

2005-07-20T08:21:00.000+08:00

school is fun really fun....except for the past few weeks, noise makers.... then now, backstabbers, stories-creaters, trying to act innocent people , watever you call them la... its not stupid but its lame....

it so happen that i have this fren lets name her X, she use to be like so so so so innocent n stuffs...really blur laa if u happen to know her a few years back shes ok laa not bad la...but now, things change....1st she was the 1 who started spreading news to people from other classes...that i dont wan to care....i dont wan to know about it any more....then after that she came to me n told me alot of things that i dont think its relevant for me to know cos that will only make me sore deep down inside...fine thats the past....

now wat she is creating stories saying that im scolding n picking her everysingle min or thing that she does....the things between me n her.....:-

1. i dont like her
2. she doesnt like me either ( attitude prob )
3. i dont talk to her.
4. she talks to me whenever she needs me to ask my monitor sth..
5. i pass papers to her only.
6. minimize convo time to as little as possible. both of us r from different wavelength.
7. trying to act "hiau" in front of guys ( cannot stand that )
8. telling me off without reasons.if u know me well enough, ill jus do the same back.
9. not independent.
10. acts blur...she knows how to do but she PRETENDS that she dont know how to do.
11. attention seeker.
12. lamer.
13. cant ask ppl to do stuffs. eg rub the blackboard etc
14. story creator...
15. plain bitch.

oh ya speaking about her, she told a gal in my class saying that i forbids her to speak to T in my class...reason, she is afraid that i scold her...WTF??i mean since when i told her that she is not allowed to talk to T??Pls laa she was talking to T jus now not that i mind....puhleaseeeeee get a life bitch...

how can i not scold her when i dont even know of her existance in classes?rubbish really really rubbish la..crap till like shit la really..now looks like im the big bully in class..bossing her around like a dog...i dont k..pls laaa dont let me repeat myself I DONT TALK TO HER IN CLASS AT ALL...WHY SHOULD I TALK TO HER? MAKES NO SENSE
REALLY...

acting innocent n "Cute" wont bring u anywhere you know....no1 knows of her existance or perhaps they do i dont know....she is almost invisible to me tho she sits infront of me...oh btw she screwed me up nicely this morn because i wanna scold that guy that i dislike....WTF??i mean wat has it gotta do with her??i wanna scold my pasaila..anyway between me n that guy got a long story laa...so lets jus ignore it...no point telling u ppl the story cos he is jus another showwoff ass n story creator..

..

2005-06-22T16:54:00.000+08:00

it was almost a week today since my car was being painted with Hearts in red all over my left side of my car...who did it i dont know...at first i thought it was aerosol paint...thank goodness my parents tried to wash it out n it did came out...till now there are still paint marks all over it...its not that obvious thou..but if u happen to look closely the marks are there..my aunt n frens all think that its cute with my car painted with hearts...i almost drove the car to school...but thank god my aunt asked me wat i did to my car..wen i came down n look at it i almost fainted....huge red hearts all over my car!!!imagine if i drove it to school.. goodness...haha

worst experience ever...

2005-06-21T22:34:00.000+08:00

it has already been 3 weeks sch has restarted...well, im sort of adapting to my surroundings...getting use to the stuffiness..you will some how be dehydrated by the end of the day...i dont know why..perhaps the ventalation prob....this is not a prob in my class as its airconditioned...whilst in the labs n ATL goodness its hot n stuffy...we will get use to it soon tho...:)

i chicken out to apply for the post of the librarian...why??its because that ive to attend an interview to get it...i jus somehow freaked out when i want to hand up the application form...:P:P im now getting to know my classmates better..they are all very nice people except that they are kinda like keep most stuffs to themselves and not share with people...that part i dotn really get it but it doesnt matter much to me...:)

my monitor is a very nice guy but at times he will jus forget to inform all his classmates where to go during certain time of the day..n when is it that we haf to go to the lab early in the mornings...the number of students have been reduced again...as for the both the phycics classes, both classes are now 17 students each..but soon the number will be reduced to 15..why?this is because that the four of them are waiting 4 IPTA schollarships..some jus give up science stream totaly....thats why the number has been reduced..it seems that if its reduced again, both classes sc1 n sc4 has to combine to b a class only...

everyone is nice in class except for a guy...that particular guy is extremly smart but he doesnt have any sense in him..you might be carrying a rock up the stairs and all he does is just stare n look at u in amusement...he is terrible really terible...you should have seen him presenting his presentation today...with all the actions n stuffs, it jus makes me feel its hilarious and not attracting..but wat can i do about it??theres ntg much you know...all i can do now is jus pray hard that he will go to US next year....i mean thats wat i heard la..how true is it i dont know..i dont wan to talk to him if thats possible...you know wat i mean...minimum contact with those guys...

having my monitors contact is enough already...he msges me and ask me about stuffs like the sketch n homework to be precise....perhaps he was jus being bored..yea indeed he is bored... why i dont know??i mean he has a gf and he sould like you know msg his gf instead rite if he is bored...thank goodness i finished my tition when he msges everytime...

im already starting to feel the tension n stress in f6 now...i mean my assignments are pilling up..soon to be mount everest if i dont take the initiative to do it.. you should have seen our reactions when we are asked to passup our assignments, the guys will jus finish it whilst we gals will procastinate..procrastination is not good really but as if la i can do anything to it like that....

seriously i need to change...really change...i bumped into an old classmate of mine whilst having lunch...couldnt recgonise her...why i dont know..she cannot recgonise me either...ya many people think i look different now...to be precise i put on weight ...i guess...or perhaps my hairstyle has changed over this few years...

i really wan to be the assistant monitor of my class its not that i want to be it or anything...its just because that im ineed of a post thats why....i didnt submit forms for the library or BOBM or BOTW..im jus afraid to go for intervies....thats the simple reason....why i dont knwo i jus freak out

i need to get ready to go to bed now sighz school is tiring

this is life

2005-05-28T01:33:00.000+08:00

i do realise that im not the type that its suitable to fall in luv...y??i get too into it n at last ill b the only 1 being hurt like hell!!wat 4?wasted my entire high sch yrs into liking a guy...wtf?indeed i admit ihad a couple of relationships during my high sch years..but that time i fell 4 sumone else is becos he had gfs that time..

i did thought that i was totaly over him when i was with sttk...god knows how long was it...i was really over him after i was with sttk....i think after a mth or so i realised its not over yet...i did kinda ignore it but soon it bugs me...i dare not tell any1 bout this at all..i took it hard on myself n i havent really 4given myself till now...

after that i did break up with sttk...i still like him tho i mean last time la...i regretted wat i did to him...so sadden-ing...so b on the safe side, i rather not b in a relationship...i wasnt in 1 for a few years...it doesnt bugg me tho..really...till like 2 mths bek, iwas in a relationship...y i was in that relationship i dunno the reason though...

but the whole main idea is that i like this fella since f1 n till now i still like him...he did left 4 ns but b4 ns he was really really nice but after 3 weeks there he sumhow changed alot...i mean alot....sighz....well, its jus the stupid me likin a guy 4 ages n dare not tell him a single thing...well, its understoodla he treats me ni as a fren...song supplier... n now information supplier?

in this world ntg is fair... but it cant d that unfair till lidat rite?ive jus gotta accept the fact that im not his type of gal lo...sighz...i mean till now oso he doesnt know that i like him...weird eh? i think its time 4 time to do its thing n move on with life n flow along with it happily...y wanna let all these bother me??all those bf gfs thingy hurts alot thats all...

moreover ineed to get to my studies d....many told me that its not a good time to haf a relationship which i really agree...i tend to b a very emotionless person now...cos i dun deserve to b hurt anymore...truely im hurt tho..there will alwis a mark in my heart i will never 4get tis very day...

ill still tok to him but not goona say anything much d...its more likely ill avoid him...better still..he will get bek his dose of medicine....im jus a plain evil person...very evil indeed...i ought to change that evil part of me but still he will get his dose of med 1st b4 i change hahahaz *evil* *evil*

When you choose your friends, don't be short-changed by choosing personality over character.

2005-05-10T04:50:00.001+08:00

i think overall this week is the worst week ever...it all started with hmmm lets name her A...she came to me telling me that she has broken up with her bf after such a long time relationship...bla bla bla...after spending like so much time consoling her, the next day she told me that she got back with him...i jus b happy 4 them la..jus mad at myself...sighz...that part i took around 1 week to chill n then tok to her again....

then now B, he suspects me trying to break him up with the gal he likes...if i were to do that, i wont b asking the gal to accept him d la...stupid rite??when i confronted him, he asked a fren la then his fren obviously told me wat happened lo...then i couldnt stand his attitude..suspecting me with all sorts of nonsense...then later lagi teruk, he thinks that i like him...wat a joke...falling 4 a guy that i dislike his attitude totallY when im liking sum1 at the moment...(its obviously not him!!)plsla..get a life, if u are reading this.. you know who you are...but im now indeed glad for them...y they are together d...happy for them...

im not in a good mood lately, cos got la family stuffs....sighz....n they think im mad at them for being together...wat a joke....duncare la...jus let them thinkw at the wanna think la....i think this quote really suit them "When you choose your friends, don't be short-changed by choosing personality over character." i dont know la..but then i hate I REPEAT i HATE waiting for ppl and then they will tell you that nevermind la u guys go 4 the movie can d...its ok 1...i mean if we hav agreed to go 4 movies you as an individual should jus go for the movie rite?..perhaps its jus their attitude la...cant get use to it tho...

its better if they change....they really need to change..a few of us might not care but others they might care....even if you dunwant, then you should jus tell us beforehand that you are jus gonna meet us n not go for the movie mar...at first i was extremely happy... but after waiting for like 2 hours you come to us n tell us that you dont want to go 4 movies..that jus pissed me off...ok nevermind, i tried to tolerate,but after that all she did wat rolled her eyes at me...goodness, ive tried to tolerate d but all u did wat jus rolled your eyes at me you look as though you beh syok stuffs lidat..

i dont care la...obviously with my temper, i jus stormed off la...after that you wanna tok things through...that part, ive cooled down alot d...if not i wont tok to u nicely k...i rather let things b lidat...dont want to care much la...YOU were the 1 who asked me to keep you updated with things, and all you tell me now is taht im PESTERING YOU!!wah lau...u r really getting to my nerves really!but ive been paitent enough not to throw my tantrum at you!frens like you can be found anywhere....i dont need a fren like you around too...

but if you opt to change, ill b always there to forgive you anyhow...

what a day...

2005-05-01T18:00:00.000+08:00

it all started the night before yesterday....i had to beg my parents to allow me to attend a campfire...it was my first time begging honestly..why did i do so??all also cause i dont want to disappoint my best fren...she did ask me to go...some how ill jus say ok to everything she says....i didnt put in some parts cos its P&C....i called her n told her i cannot make it...she sounded kind of disappointed...all she told me was, don't worry, we will find a way out...then we thought of uncle...persuaded him to go...we waited for him till like ermm 12 - 2 am but he didnt turn up...all he did was sms her at 12.15 am n ask her wats so important...wah lau...kek khi nia...

i came online and then send him a msg tru friendster....he didnt reply till ermm the next day around noon!wah lau he is such a procrastinater!!!eek...nevermind that...after his godsis called him, he asked me should he go for the campfire or not...indeed i went like go la of course...wat he replied was " go campfire u wan me to b duh duh there ar?"...i didnt bother him tho..i couldnt stand him for a while due to his ermm attitude...he needs a change honestly...actually the main idea of having him there is for transportation and also to be with him...:P

well, i did debate with my parents till i got the car..i went for the campfire...ermm dunno anyone there except 4 mum, bro n aunty not forgetting mr loo....the performances were kinda slow at the begining....then aunt and i got bored...y? cos we werent very happy with the stupid performances...then my baka bro came n sat beside me n started perlying me with uncle....after a while, he told me that im a wall seperating mum n him....jus because he wants to talk to mum....he left after a couple of mins... i jus ignored him cause i was too ermm attached to the performance...actually insulting very single bit of it...

then after he left, mr loo started to bugg me...i went along with mum n aunty.. he went like, hahaha, you wanna go back d rite, i was like yeah i wanna go back d...cause my the other half of me isnt here...he was like, why dont u call him or sms him.. i told him, he has no hp besides, i dun hav credit....mum went like nah i give u his num..he took it from mum n wah lau he really did called uncle...wah lau..ididnt expect him to call 1 k..it was embarassing ok..he told him that i missed him n ask him to call me back...thank god that time uncle was sleeping n you know la wat will a sleepy person ans...he din take it seriously...thank god again...mum also called and explained to uncle...he took it jokingly...

it was such a relieve after mums explaination....we sat down and continue with the performances....this time when bro came, i sek chou d...move from my seat n let him sit n talk with mum...i went over to aunty n tok to her then...the performances werent wat u call nice lo...its more like ermm crap la...anyway its always different if you sign in as a VIP n not a participant..the campfire spirit isnt there..the cheering n stuffs, you cant sit at the VIPs place n cheer rite, it will b like out of place or sth lidat...

after that again i met my ex...haha too bad la his bestfren is one of the commitee members mar no doubt he is there...if i knew he is going, ill rather not go n meet him there and get pissed with him about the past..haha... bro thought it was him making me mad due to the perlying bout me n uncle..i wasnt ok i wasnt pissed at u laa bro...u can never make me mad 1...esp about uncle 1..

haha we left the campfire thing around 10.15pm. cos aunty said that she was starving...we went 2 look for food...haha we went all the way to town n turn all the way back to air itam cos we remembered that bro didnt eat for the whole day...poor bro la seriously...we turn back to air itam.. he msged n told us that he cannot leave...so we went to 7-11 n bought bread...not we actualy its only mum n sarah...me as usual dont buy stuffs 1...hahaha..we drove all the way to air itam sch n gave him his bun...

i felt pity for him la...when he sat in my car, he looked very very exhausted...poorthing...we all asked him to rest in the car since he was tired...but after 20 - 45 mins, grandma called, ask mum to go back... 10 mins after she called, my mum called then my dad...all asking me to go home cos its way over my curfew..wat to do...terpaksa shoo him out fr the car lo watelse rite...really pity him la...its more like me treating him like my own bro....cos if its only frens, i'll dun care la, he will find his way through...n jus leave him stranded there alone...

well, now im grounded again cos i came home like 1hour n 10 mins late...drounded for how long i dont know...but i dun wish its long cos i only have like 2weeks before i go back to sch..(boring) nevertheless ill get to see my frens again after 6mths or less...i cant go out much with mum anymore...gonna b in a different sch..but i think we will b meeting each other in tuition n study groups...lol...

hmmmm

2005-03-26T00:00:00.000+08:00

it never crossed my mind that missing sumone that u luv hurts that much...i mean i like this guy but he doesnt know that i like him..he has left 4 ns 4 like 2 weeks ago n i dunno any way to contact him at all!!i called him on monday but he din ans...i msged him but no reply...sighz..thinking hard....wats with him??mayb he didnt bring his hp there....or mayb they ni get bek their hps during weekends??i miss him badly tho.....

b4 he left n stuffs he told me that he will keep me updated but till now i din hear a single news bout him...i understnad that part tho...i mean get a life la, to him ur jus a fren but ask 4 me i treat him more then that!

my dear fren

2005-03-01T03:59:00.000+08:00

today, is jus another day which happens to b the end of the mth..tis means that the results will b out soon....ahahaz..freaking out already....aihz..i mean who wont rite?in this kinda situation, every1 will jus freak out..

hahaz..i was shocked wen i received sum news today fr my fren...A had warned me b4 that this day will cum but i didnt belif hahaz..well, yeah din expect..nevermind that, today was like a disaster 4 me instead of shocks...im crapping again....

but why on earth mus i get all the shockin news at once??i goota accept the fact that my fren is right about gals..they are indeed complicated..fr wat i can see im a complicated person myself....

bored...

2005-02-22T08:38:00.000+08:00

actually ive realize since a day after we were together that we werent anyhow compatible....we indeed are from 2 worlds apart...we were very close frens back then but things sumhow change after we got together...he has been going out like everyday till wee hours in the morning..i dun mind about it actually but it bugs me really..he calls me like 4am everytime he is out n expects me to ans his calls wen im in dreamland!!!not fair 4 me rite??besides, things are indeed different wen in a relationship...he goes out all the time with his frens then abandon me at home?fine la it doesnt bother me much anyway.....

he doesnt giv in as much as i do....i dun mind anyway...im like dun care anymore.....cos since yesterday i told to my fren on the phone n she suggests that i shud jus abandon him 4 sumtime..haha good enuff i did abandon him since last nite hahahaz......

i think its a good thing that we break....no point oso...

hehehe, 4gotten bout him d totally...

back to my life...

2005-02-22T05:01:00.000+08:00

ahahaha finallly the day ive waited came....broke up....its not shocking 4 me anymore for this to happen cos i expected it to happen...wait a min i dunno if its official yet...but to me yes it is already official.....ahahahz...weird..im not feeling single bit of depression or hurt cos i know that he is not worth my tears or my feelings...i think being single 4 the time being is the best cos no matter wat studies cum 1st...hahahaz....

watelse is there 4 me to bother cos ive frens that well helpful enough tho...not many but quite a number...tho they are leaving pg soon... thats life la...

thinking....

2005-01-31T01:05:00.000+08:00

this has been bothering me alot.....i dunno wat can i do to make every1 happy with things.....i cant seem to make ppl happy..they tend to piss me off n ill end up being mad at them.....gosh wat a horrible person am i sighz...wat did i do huh???

tell me i need to know!!!!

this is the time when ireally hate my life

i tried...

2005-01-27T18:22:00.000+08:00

ive done my best to do things d....but still people stil blame me aihzzz...is there anything that i can do ??ive change to a new leaf infact a few days ago only! i rather keep a low profile of myself among frens n also family members...i dunno y...hahah jus sumhow wanna change....im stil changing tho..to the better of course 4 me but others might think the other way round..whocares, as long that im satisfied with myself can d....things are jus being very tough for me lately...everythign seems wrong....wat can i do??ntg infact...aihz...i cant jus sit there n do ntg about it rite.....it seems thats the only suloution....

thank god that ive a 2great frens who helped me out all this while...thankz to thier useful advices

aihzzz!!!

2005-01-25T18:16:00.000+08:00

another boring day 4 me again!!!it was reasonably ok until i think in the evening when i got a msg fr my fren..she was asking me 4 my add 4 an idotic guy!!!i hate that guy alot seriously!!!but wat can i do right?!ive already blocked him n stuffs but no he stil has to send me msgs n ask his godsis to kacau me??!!!he cant jus leave me alonne!!!jus because that im leading a better life compared to him!!!its not fair isnt it?!

i did ignored him...i couldnt stand him till i asked 4 help...that help is seriously needed...n thankz to my fren..thankz alot!!but till now my dear fren isnt back yet...aihzz..wat to do...im waiting 4 myfren though now..:P

i tried...

2005-01-22T00:19:00.000+08:00

thinking....

2005-01-21T05:09:00.001+08:00

ive reached to this stage that i think too much til i hav nightmares...its not that i wan to but aihz i dunno.....well, its very dumb tho but stil it scares me....

wen my frens haf probs they cum to me....but when i hav probs they dun bother!wat frens are they?

u know who u r.......

aihzzz!!!

2005-01-17T05:56:00.000+08:00

aihz apala...my stupid winamp corrupted now iterpaksa go dl a newer verison.......

so sienzz!!!ntg to do!!!!1

things i've noticed...

2005-01-16T17:54:00.002+08:00

lately it has been very strange 4 me things n ppl are now so different....weird huh?

ive been questioning myself a lot lately...hav i change or hav they change?

ive even lost a couple of frens lately...perhaps im jus being too sensitive bout them or wat im not sure...i notice that my close frens haf now all change in to a new person..sum1 that i dont recgonise anymore....then as for all those who are not that close to me, i jus realise that they actually do care bout their surroundings..(",)

im starting to realise that once my close frens jus sumhow used me...aihz idunnola..ironic isnt it? when i change, they say im an alien to them..as 4 now i feel as though im being alienated...

perhaps i myself has change with time oso....mayb..i shud change again i guess....

enjoy life to the fullest!!!

changes in me.....

2005-01-14T08:21:00.001+08:00

i use to remember those times when i was in primary...i was terrible....i was a very badtempered person..till now idare not say that ive changed completely but at least its not that bad anymore... i use to throw tantrums at alomost everything but now i cant think more maturely now...

perhaps i was given too much time lately to spend i dunno wat to do with it...so i guess at times i jus sit n think a lil too much :) hahahaz..atleast u can see me smilling more now compared to the last few months...i dunwan to get myself invovled in any relationships now cos as 4 now i feel so free being single...

ive tot it a few weeks back..myex doesnt wanna tok to me..i duneven knwo the reason y he doesnt wan to tok to me..but whocares about him he is my ex!hahahahaz..ill leave everything 2 god to decide 4 me....

im now concentrating more in mystudies hahaz (not studying at the moment but gettnig ready tho) then meet more frens..smile often....hahahaz..i can accept life challenges now compared to last time...i can make my own decision without regretting it..

at times its good that we let things go..wen we let go we will realize that life is too short to worry..no point worrying over lil things..dun let little things bother u...lil things such as relationships, n stuffs...u need to let go...hahahaz..look who is toking...

backstabbers...

2005-01-13T17:21:00.000+08:00

i dun understand why r there backstabbers around the world.the main reason we live is to survive....

i was backstabbed many many times before but this hurts me the most!..seriously i didnt go anything wrong but mydear fren doesnt wanan tok to me anymore...whocares??!! idunwan to care anymore....

go ahead say wat they wanna say..im not listening....unless they tell me themselves...u knwo who u are.... aihzz...i dunno la...

its really sth that i dununderstand!and ill never understand..i dununderstand why mus she tell him all the things that ive said regarding him?i didnt do anything wrong seriosuly....all i said was wat i think..but no!she mus tell him!n now ive lost a friend~!!!

i bet that she feels very nice about it since she has a bf to go to n tellhim everythign that i ssaid regarding his best friend!thankz to her man i tell u

thankz bitch~~~!!!!!!

ive never trusted sum1 as much i trust u b4 but now !!!
damnn!screw u la!!!

now i really understand why ur parents dun trust u!u bitch n curse ur parents like wat nia to her bf...all she wans is attention..yah n she argues with her bf like 3times a week n always wanan break up like everytime after they argue...she always tells me that but it NEVER NEVER happens.....

its like a waste of my time advisin u n stuffs...u always tel me that u enjoy being single...but u NEVER NEVER can b SINGLE !!!

i hopr ur reading this....but dunworry im not gonna take revenge on u!!!
i jus wanna make u feel horrible thats all *evil* *evil*

WASTED MY TRUST ON U !!!!!

til then...

2005-01-07T17:30:00.000+08:00

well well well it has been sumtime since i updated my blog..hahaz...life has change since i got back fr kl..everything was so so perfect till i met sum1..aihz...lets not tok bout itla...stil havent got over it yet hahaz..
very wel since i came back i think ive change alot i think so..or hav i??hahahaz at times there are things that we shud jus let go rather then hold on to it...who doesnt wanna do so rite?hahahaz..

stuck at home!

2004-12-04T17:45:00.000+08:00

im here online aihzz....really lost....i really dunno wat to do...i tot it wud b fun after SPM u know all the freedom n stuffs...but wat ive planned as gone dwn the drain....i wanted to takeup languages,shorthand ( atleast i think its useful wen im havin my letures), take up mucis classes, go 2 kl, hang out with frens, n the list goes on....i nvr knew that can never fulfil that!sighz!its terrible!!i always do y xmas shoppingin kl but now?nomore!aihz i dunnolaa...its getting on to my nerves d la..cant stand it anymore!im like dead bored at home!my frens?i dun consider them as frens seriously!
they use me 4 transport n wen they r in trouble they cum n find me!smart huh?aihz idunnola!now im stuck at home with my stupid irritating cousins who r alwis blaming me 4 nth jus bcos i dunwan to lend them my car that doesnt mean anything esp not rude~!they r precisely jus being jealous over me thats all!but y i hav no idea y....
at times i kinda envy their family cos they will go for hols together n stuffs..while me at home this whole yr tru i nvr i repeat I NVR stepped out fr my house at all except 4 tuition classes n sch!imagine that!the reason is that my bro n i r havin major exams n they wan us to study at home!my bro has his psone n he gets to play with it the whole day tru while ive to attend numorous tuition classes n kenot cum onilne at all!!!!it so unfair!!

ballet....

2004-11-27T18:45:00.000+08:00

its just another normal day...woke up around 9 sth then i watched tv n went to school...hahah had my est exam tho..din expect it 2 be that tough though..but overall its alright..

after the exam i was forced to go to the pharmacy to get some vitamins c cos im having a slight flu...after that i was informed that i was suppose to attend sum charity ballet show in Dewan Sei Pinang...overall the crowd was okla..not that bad...many la..

the show was kinda boring but it was ok la...it was cute when it cums to the kids hahahz they r so so so adorable!ehehehez..the thing lasted around 2-3 hours.

the whole day is wasted cos i did not study at all...mayb 4 jus a few hours la..aihzz

-end-

u know who

2004-11-26T17:50:00.000+08:00

I do not believe in online dates,
Its all in your fate,
We can all have a better future,
If lin yee is the one we torture

from faraway u see her like a pig,
is that a pig or is she wearing a wig?,
she now acts lonely in school,
but outside she acts like she's very cool,
i do not know why teachers pity her so
much,
like wat eunice said - she's a spider ,
she bites - OUCH!,
she always go to Chillout ,
i wonder if it ever goes blackout,
she skips school day by day,
her name is getting washed away,
looking for sanctuary,
one day u see her in the obituary

rl version of the rd no taken has most likely changed in to sth to do about our future without ly hahha....:)

you know what friends are for?
they help you when you're sore
but lin yee is not the same
instead, she will drive u insane

how can one believe in fate?
when suddenly everything u live for is dead
this is giving me a headache
i better find a doctor and set a date

shaunas version of i dunno wat hahahz...:)

cruela devil,cruela devil...
if she doesnt scare you,
no evil thing will...
to see her is to take a sudden chill...
cruela,cruela devil!
the curve of her lips,
the ice in her stare,
all cptarians had better beware,
she's like a spider waiting for the kill!
cruela,cruela devil...
that in human beast,
that vampire bat...
she ought to be locked up and never
released...
look out for cruela devil!!

hahahaz nice poems 4 u know who hahahz *evil*

other versions...

2004-11-26T17:29:00.000+08:00

how can I believe in fate,
as the future we can shape,
all the differences 2 diverged roads made,
in this life, can we take?

ray's version of the road not taken...hahahaz....he pratically change my whole last ttwo lines of my poem! :(

how can one believe in fate
when we can shape our future
how can different roads two take
and both find joy in either

shaunas version.....aihz they r manipulatin my poem!!veen is writting me 1 latwer so ive 4 verisons all together ill add robert frost's 1 oso hahaz...:)

future

2004-11-26T17:14:00.000+08:00

How can one believe in fate,
As our future we can shape,
wat difference can two roads make?
In life one can take.

exams!!!

2004-11-26T16:55:00.000+08:00

had my moral paper today....mixed up hari gawai n dunno wat menuai thingy aihz....as usual im filled with groans n complains fr my aihz...dunnola im getting sick n tired of it d..wat to do...

ive been asking ppl to signup 4 hotlink club but i dunno y....ahahhaaz

sienz im terribly bored..im waiting 4 him to online but iver waited 4 like 2hours n he is not here!!!!

-end-

wat a day!~

2004-11-24T17:37:00.000+08:00

well..well..well..i had my physics paper today...i find paper1 kinda tricky cos i doubt a few ques..paper 3 wasnt as bad as i think then paper 3 was a diaster...i found that the experiment i did part of it correctly though...

hahahz...i watch tv pravtically thw whole afternoon n nite n im online now...good thing....ill b havin my moral paper on thurs n im so so not prepared yet!!!

-end-

me

WHY

2004-11-24T16:26:00.000+08:00

Tell me why do i still miss you
Tell me why my heart still cares
Tell me what can i do
To get out of this terrible mess!

Tell me why do i still miss you
Tell me why until so long
i am still longing for u, like a fool
Wanting you back when you are gone..

Tell me why do i still miss you
For no matter what i do
Deep inside i am still yearning for you...
My love is just to be with you.....

Tell me why do i still miss you
Even though i understand
What with us together is over
I think this will never end.

caught in between

2004-11-18T17:42:00.000+08:00

there was tis day when i really fell 4 2guys..i mean i didnt realize that i like that guy till dunnola...i like that fella?do i?i dunno!!im very confused!!

but all this while i thought i still like my ex..well,ive tried very hard to 4get boout but still he is still there!1well nvm i dunno wat can i do about it..but recently i happen to fall 4 this guy aihzz

im really really confused laa!!!idunno wat to do!im now paying attention to my studies n not other stuffs!!but im afraid to think about it cos my exams will end soon aihzz! dunnola

-end-

day dreaming..

2004-11-18T15:57:00.000+08:00

well this all started about 10am when my mum came into my room to wake me up...igot up n head straight 4 the sink i get my day started.
the usual stuffla.. u know..

then later around 11am i went to telekoms with my mum n bro n aunt...my aunt n bro went to the temple n left me n mum in the telekoms.i wanted to apply 4 streamyx n mum wanted to apply 4 a new telephone line 4 my house...

well,it all went well till around noon when i received a sms fr my aunt saying that they were waiting outside,my bro an impaitent fella had no paitence like me got mad n my aunt had to bring him home..denn wen i came out fr the telekoms i thought i saw my exs car..then again i thought i did maby i did!who knows rite?!

after that i went back to telekoms n got my streamyx fixed!omg after a while they told me that there wasnt a port in my area!wth?cos my fren who stays a few raods away is using the service n so are my the other frens staying near me!

well after that i went to buy stuffs opposite telekoms...then i took the bus home with mum..hehehez..damn it was like ages since i took the bus it was all cramed up so full!aihz...wat to do??!

got back home watched tv 4 a while then went out again!!!

it was such a nice day seriously but indeed exhausting hahaz....

i luv going out!!hahaaaz

-end-

a day tru scarsams

2004-11-14T19:17:00.000+08:00

well it all started on a friday wen we all went out 4 coffee..sum ppl r juz being too free to ask about how n stuffs...sum ppl juz ignored the question n said beauty isnt important but brains are more important..

the main idea bout things is that we haf to understand each others character before jumping into anything drastic....i myself think if u r not satisfied with sth jus voice it out...

due to sum misunderstandings, i had 3 sessions of counselling fr my aunts...1 of it was a heart to heart talk la..who knows rite...after that i went out to check out the digi cams n video cams in gurney..

i had a great time there cos finally after so long i get to go out fr the house n 2 b free fr the problems...when we came back around lunch i started revising 4 about 15 mins then i got distracted...

i sat infront of the tv with my cousins n uncle to watch malaysian idol...*lame* hahahaz. we had a good laugh at those ppl with funny characters...time really files, it was already 5pm wen it ended..again i fell asleep watching a movie aried on tv which i find it very boring...

we had a bbq 4 dinner...cousins came n had fun...played fireworks n ate n talked...well although it was jus with family members n no frens, it was nice...i wan hopping that my ex would drop by n well....i dunno wat was i thinking about aso..

i msged my fren too find out if he is online tonite but too bad he isnt n will not b...i again watched sum stupid indo movie n the apprentice n came online...read sum books 2 my cousin sis n finally she fell asleep....

such a havoc day

-end-